I’ve always been a little backward. When I was a little girl, the future was scary for me. I wasn’t sure what the future after high school would hold. So while I was a child, I concentrated on nothing but schooling. I worked hard for good grades and wanted to learn everything I could. I guess I was a “backward” child.
People were always a mystery to me. I was the shy one. I didn’t want to put myself out there. I only paid attention to a few friends … Now I am wishing I spent more time with the ones I didn’t spend much time with and less with the ones I spent the most time with.
I met Billy … I fell in love with him just like most girls who fall in love. I finally knew what I wanted my future to hold, and this time it wasn’t about school. I wanted him in my future. A month shy of my high school graduation, I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend instead of doing graduation, friends, college, job, marriage, children … Like I said, I did things backward. My order went more like this: I finished high school. I got a summer job. I started college. Then I got pregnant. I got married. Then I got pregnant again. Then I finished college. I got a permanent job. Then I moved into my first house. Then I started living with an aide service.
Now that is where I am — I use an an aide service, I have a family with kids. I’m probably the first one to get the family before the aide service. It’s a lot to get used to, and it can be very complicated. While my husband can do everything, I don’t want him to do it all. I once was asked: "Can’t your husband do that? If I were you, my husband would do it." Maybe others would, but for me, it’s different. I don’t want him to do everything. He literally takes care of me. I try to hand off things to the aides to give him a break. He is my caregiver. But when you talk to him, he says he isn’t my caregiver, and that he’s my husband doing what he needs to do for me. If I have a choice, I choose the aide.
I always hated depending on someone — the first person was my mom. I was the youngest of 5 children. I knew my mom was getting older, and I knew she wouldn’t be here forever. So with my husband, I thought he was going to be next to me forever, but he wasn’t all the time. It made me realize I needed a support to count on no matter what. My husband is great, but what if something unthinkable happens. I don’t want to feel that fear of having no one, so I got an aide service. I’m still getting used to it.
It’s hard putting a family in the middle of an aide service. Being employed is hard enough, being a mom is harder, and being disabled is the hardest. Put them all together, and you have a busy schedule. To add an aide service in there is complicated. I’m trying to do my best to deal with it. But it’s hard and life continues to get busy now that I have one child ready to go to school instead of day care at whatever times I choose. So, yes, my schedule is getting more hectic.
Just like I said, I have done things backward. I am a college graduate, I have a husband and children, and I have a job. I live in a house, and now I’m trying to get my very own van to drive. It may be backward, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my husband and kids!